This past Saturday afternoon, I excitedly switched on a Christmas music mix on the bathroom sound system my husband bought me, slipped into a piping hot shower, and began my own personal ritual of preparation for our big night out. Most women have one of these, I'm sure: beloved traditions of primping and readying for a special evening. For this night, my Date had bought me gorgeous sparkly earrings and a classy little black dress. The occasion? My company Christmas Party. Torture for my poor man, heaven for me. Although, let's be honest here: the event itself wasn't the reason for my euphoric feelings. The excuse to indulge in my sacred ritual and feel like a princess for a night - that was the real treat.
The evening was everything I expected it to be: lovely, amusing, funny, and awkward. It also held a few unexpected surprises, not the least of which was a slow dance with my ever patient and loving husband. All in all, it was a beautiful, unforgettable night I'll cherish for a long time to come.
It's easy to confuse beauty with grace.
You would think that the next day, both my husband and I would bask in my afterglow from the sublime, enchanted evening I had enjoyed the night before. Sadly, this was not so. For whatever reason, I wasn't a very nice person yesterday. Forget any beauty I'd been able to polish up on Saturday night - I was ugly on Sunday. And I was confronted with some painful, glaring truths: I am unforgiving, unkind, and unloving. When I first wrote that sentence, I wrote, "I can be," which I then changed to the slightly more truthful, "I am sometimes," until I finally realized the humbling reality - the statement deserves no qualifiers. Those unsavory qualities coexist in my heart along with the other more pleasant traits. But they're there. And they've been making more public appearances than I'm comfortable with lately.
This has been a tough year. We've faced a lot of hurt, a lot of disappointment, grief, and anxiousness. I'm exhausted. And I find myself feeling panicked and frustrated and reactionary in stressful situations lately, and I'm ashamed of myself. It doesn't matter how perfectly I apply my eye makeup if there's no light shining through those eyes.
I'm tired of being afraid that things aren't going to work out for us. I'm tired of feeling envious of other people's lives and devaluing my own. I'm tired of being an unforgiving person. I'm tired of being unkind to the man I love with all my heart, and treating him in disgraceful ways I'd never dream of treating anyone else - just because I know he won't leave. [He, the one who loves me most and best.] I'm tired of living without grace - and it doesn't matter how pleasingly I adorn my outward appearance, my spirit needs some extra attention.
Through a flood of tears, the swallowing of countless lumps in my throat, and the feeling of an actual hurt in my heart - I have just finished 1/2 of Stephanie Nielson's story of hope, grace, and the triumph of life. (The second half is coming next Sunday, December 13, 2009 - don't miss it.) How can I complain about my circumstances when I see her courage and her stubborn fight and will to continue to live an unbelievably painful and difficult life? Before the events that forever altered her life, she lived with a delicate balance of beauty and grace, as documented on her charming blog. And now, after traveling to hell and back, she absolutely breathes beauty and grace - it radiates from within her in everything she says, does, and is.
And here I am, unable to find a way to express true beauty and grace in my own life. At least not as consistently as I would (and should) require of myself.
And so, as I prepare to bid farewell to 2009 and look forward to the beginning of a new decade, I'm going to forgo my embarrassingly arrogant Resolve of last year and actually make a resolution: 2010 will be my Year of Grace. I will be more patient, less selfish, more forgiving, less hurtful. Kinder, gentler, and much more loving.
With the ultimate goal being that my Year of Grace turns into a Lifetime.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD,
she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
*Christmas Party: 2009*
(the best shot we were able to get - I apologize for the blur.)
she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
*Christmas Party: 2009*(the best shot we were able to get - I apologize for the blur.)
6 comments:
Beautiful. Isn't funny how things can come crashing down on Sundays? Todd and I used to always have our biggest fights on Sundays - usually as we were pulling out of the church parking lot. I know we don't all see what goes on behind closed doors, but don't beat yourself up too much. You've shown me more grace and love than I can measure. Here's to 2010. A year of grace...for all of us!
Love you.
I love this. Your humility and grace in this post shows your true heart. It's going to be a good year.
Christiana!! I've missed your wit and insight here in bloggyland lately :)
I think the first year of marriage brought me face to face with just about all my ugliness...yeah, it almost all came out, broke my heart and nearly destroyed my amazing husband. Twelve years later, I can say that our love story taught me more about grace than anything else in my life. Simply because he loves me.
I'll be praying for you. Hang in there. 2010 is sure to bring many new beginnings showered with lots of grace. It is gonna be a good year!
Beautiful, transparent post. Thanks for sharing your heart! I'm so excited to see what 2010 has in store for you!!
I can relate completely to your post! 2010 will be my year of grace as well! God's Grace is the ONLY reason I am still alive. His grace is consistant...even when we aren't! Thanks for sharing. I needed to read that today.
Reading this post changed the entire course of my evening! I clicked on the link of Stephanie's story and read that, then I looked through her blog, and then I read your post about your "resolve" back in January. Needless to say, hours went by and I am left feeling... BLESSED.
You are right, no matter what we are going through in our lives, there will be other people going through harder things. What we have to master is handling our lives with grace, kindness, patience, and all the other fruits of the spirit. :) And only GOD can help us do that! When our natural tendencies to worry, get angry, grumpy, etc. set in, we have to refocus on what is important and change our behavior.
Knowing you like I do, I know you are a beautiful, sweet person who is full of love and grace. But all of us can aspire to be more forgiving, more patient, more loving. And I also know that when you really set your mind on something, it is a sure thing! So, I am positive this WILL be your Year of Grace that will be the beginning of your Lifetime of Grace. :)
Let's do it together! We are on this journey of life together, so let's make it grace-full. :)
LOVE YOU!!
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